5 Things He Told Her About His Family
by xonceinadream
Summary: And one thing she told his family about him.


_one._

The red of his lightsaber illuminates them, the only light in the dark of the forest. Even the moon is hidden by the wide range of trees above them and Rey has to resist the urge to shiver. Master Luke has taught her much about the ways of the Force, the Light, but it doesn't feel like it's enough when she has to face the man in front of her.

Although a mask covers Kylo Ren's emotions, she imagines that she can see the vicious smirk on his face, perhaps even the murder in his eyes. He's a tragedy. Master Luke had told her about his greatest regret, about how hard that he'd tried to save his nephew. Master Luke had never looked as sad as he'd been when he had said that he would've sacrificed himself a million times over before losing Ben Solo that way. Rey had wiped her eyes when Master Luke had told her, had tried not to think of how she'd lost her own family.

"Are you not going to fight me, girl?" Kylo asks, what sounds like impatience in his voice but it's difficult to tell with the mask and voice manipulator.

Rey looks down at the lightsaber held loosely in her hands. She should lift it up, take part in this duel that won't be a duel so much as a vicious battle. She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, her eyes looking to where Kylo's are underneath his mask. The lightsaber feels heavy, her thumb running across the hilt as she flicks off the energy. "No."

A few feet away, Kylo freezes visibly. His blade lowers a few inches. "Excuse me?"

"No. I don't want to fight. I want to talk to you. Ben Solo." The name makes a small amount of hurt blossom in her chest as she remembers when she had first met the other's father. But she has to push it aside, has to forget. She had meditated for hours, had cried until her head had ached. Right now, she is in a life or death situation and she can't waste her time with painful memories of a man that could've been like a father to her.

Kylo lets out a laugh that worries her. It sounds harsh, dark with not a hint of amusement in it. "So my Uncle Luke has told you about that weak little boy, has he? There's nothing to talk about, girl. All that's left is the fight."

"Really? Is that so, Ben? Your uncle told me about your doubt as a child. He told me that when you were young the last thing that you wanted to do was fight."

"Don't call me that! That's no longer my name. Ben was a weak child, good for nothing!" Kylo snaps, taking a step and Rey swallows, hoping that her gamble isn't in vain as he lifts up his lightsaber again. If she's wrong then she could very well be dead if she can't get her own lightsaber up in time. He makes no move to swing the saber at her yet.

"Ben was-" Rey starts, preparing to talk about the things that Master Luke told her, to talk about how Ben had never wanted to be a Jedi but his pilot, just like his father.

Obviously Rey has pushed Kylo past his limit. The shock makes her hesitate as he flicks his lightsaber off and then presses her forward until her back is against one of the trees. Without the glow of the blade, they're plunged into such darkness that she can scarcely see him. She doesn't know what she'd see, though, with his face hidden by the mask.

Kylo traps her against the tree with his body, close enough that she can feel his body heat in the chill of the forest night. She tries to keep her breathing even, her body calm so that he can't sense just how nervous that she is right now. When he speaks, it's with words so fast that she has to struggle to understand them. "You want to know what Ben was, Rey? He was a disappointment to everybody. He was never the pilot that his father wanted. No matter how much he worked and tried, he didn't have the attention span to grasp the intricacies behind the Falcon. And when he got frustrated, he gave up and so did his father.

"So his mother took him to work with her. Everybody in the galaxy knew who Ben Solo was, son of the legendary Han Solo, smuggler and war hero, and Leia Organa, princess of the lost planet, war hero, politician. Not only that, he was the nephew of the equally legendary Luke Skywalker who was the one who essentially brought balance to the force, who was going to bring back the Jedi Order. Everybody expected him to just _know_ things. Even his mother who tried so hard expected Ben to catch on immediately, to know the right thing to do.

"Ben was just a disappointment to all of them. When he was 13, his parents gave up completely, sending him away. They couldn't deal with him anymore, could barely even look at him when his uncle came to collect him. With his uncle, he did better. He knew the ways of the force and he was gifted. And he still disappointed them because he wasn't a prodigy. Because he felt drawn towards the dark. They never knew but Ben saw everything. Ben observed and he knew just how much Master Luke looked down on him for it.

"Ben is gone. Dead. Kylo Ren has emerged, better, victorious. Kylo Ren knows what he's doing in the way that Ben never did."

Rey stares up at him, her eyebrows furrowed. Kylo is panting, obviously emotional and she wishes that she could see underneath his mask. She wishes that he could see the man who believes that he disappointed everybody as a child, that it was better to leave his family completely behind than to try with them again. Rey can't help but wonder what she would've done in his position.

Rey doesn't know what Kylo intended with the story but it just fills her with sorrow for the boy that he had been and the man in front of her. Had his childhood really been as he said? Had the adults so truly failed him? Or more likely there was a mix of truth in what he said, tainted by his age and vulnerability.

"What do you have to say about that, girl?" Kylo asks, his voice shaking now, obviously trying to gain control of the situation again.

Desperately, Rey tries to think of a response. She has to say something but what can she say? "I'm sorry," she settles on after a few seconds. Since Kylo is so close she can feel the way that his body tenses. Carefully, she hooks her lightsaber in her belt and reaches up, tentatively pressing her hands to his chest, underneath the ruffle of fabric of his cape. She can feel the muscles through his robes, can feel the way that he breathes in this position

Underneath her fingers, Kylo's body is tight, as if he's poised to spring on her and Rey is careful to monitor him. She has to be ready to grab her lightsaber, to do what she has to. At the moment, she doesn't think he's planning on hurting her. The thought startles her, the realization that they're standing so close. That he had spoken to her so clearly. Even now, he stands, letting her touch him as she wishes.

"Don't be sorry. I'm better than before," Kylo responds and she wishes that she could see his face, hear his voice without the manipulator. He doesn't sound like he believes it. Rey wonders if it's true or just wishful thinking.

"You're the only one who thinks so," Rey murmurs, looking up at him and she closes her eyes when she hears the sound of her name, shouted from nearby. Kylo seems to hear it too since he reaches up, his hands surprisingly gentle as they grip her own and pull them from his body. He steps backwards, dropping her hands, the crunch of leaves underneath his boot almost as loud as his harsh breathing.

Rey expects him to pull out his lightsaber again but it seems that he's going to keep surprising her today. Instead, he simply inclines his head to her. "Just this once, girl. Run. I have no wish to fight right now."

He sounds so weary that it makes Rey ache to stay, to tell him that all his mother wants is him back. She wants to tell him about how much Luke would still give for him. But she knows that she doesn't have time. "Until next time, Ben," she says, turning and then she's running.

Behind her, she swears she can hear him say, "That's not my name." But that could just be her imagination.

 _two._

The First Order is on the verge of being defeated. The target today is Snoke. He is their leader and with his death, the First Order will have fallen enough for now. There are three separate divisions who have been tasked with killing him, in case one of them doesn't make it there are still two back-ups. Rey is thankful for that plan now as she faces Kylo Ren.

Kylo looks worse than when she'd seen him before. She swears that his robes hang looser off of him, as if he's weaker than before or he hasn't been eating. Perhaps he's just stressed, she thinks. After all, it's obvious that the Resistance is going to win at this point. Whether tonight or within the next few weeks they're going to win.

"I would've thought that Snoke would have you by his side. Just in case," Rey says, remembering the last time that they had fought one on one, when they'd gotten so close. They've sparred a few times since then, random battles with others fighting around them, but they're alone now. There are alarms going off, random quakes shaking the ground every few minutes, but Rey knows that it'll keep until they leave.

"He doesn't need protection to kill whoever comes for him," Kylo responds easily. Both of them have their lightsabers in their hands, both blades humming with power as they face the other.

Rey laughs, a bitter laugh and she wonders about the similarity between her laugh and the laugh she remembers from Kylo. "You don't think he's going to win, do you?"

Kylo hesitates before she can see him shake his head. "No. The First Order will fall. As the Empire and the Sith and the Dark Side have fallen for generations. But they will rebuild."

"With your help?"

"Not this time," Kylo responds and she frowns when he reaches up, unhooking his helmet. He lets the helmet fall, not seeming to care where it hits the ground with a thud. He turns off his lightsaber and she follows suit after some hesitation, keeping it loose in her hands even as he buckles his into his belt. The look on his face makes Rey shiver. The scar is vivid against his skin, his cheeks hollower than she's seen since her days on Jakku. His lips are twisted into what could've been a smile if he didn't look so blank. "Have you come to kill me, Rey?"

Rey's thrown off, not having expected this. She'd expected a battle this time, thought that he would fight her to the death. She'd thought that she would've had to fight hard to ensure that she took him back to base alive. This wasn't even on her list of expectations. "Your mother made us all promise on our life that we'd bring you home alive if we could."

The smile on Kylo's lips seems to deepen with something that might've been a distant fondness. It makes Rey think of the smile that Leia gets when she speaks of her husband. Kylo nods, looking at a space over her shoulder for so long that she wonders if he's going to speak. "My mother. You've gotten to know her well, have you? She probably latched right onto you. A force-filled scavenger with no family. Exactly the type she'd love."

Rey frowns, her fingers tightening around the hilt of her lightsaber, wondering whether she could just strike him down. Leia would never know. She could say that it was an accident… "Your mother is a good woman."

"My mother is a hypocrite. She wants to believe in acceptance but she doesn't know about acceptance herself," Kylo snaps, looking at Rey with narrowed eyes. It's interesting to watch him while he talks, the emotion that he conveys. Rey wonders if it's habit due to the fact that he's normally wearing a mask. Is he always so expressive behind it? "She'll love you for the fact that you're filled with the force but she never had any respect for her husband without it."

Those words send a jolt through the woman, her heart thudding in her ears. What did Kylo mean by that? She doesn't want the woman to be tainted in her mind. Leia has been like a mother to her, accepting her with open arms. She is obviously sad much of the time but she always attempts a smile for Rey, even if it's a half-hearted one.

"That's not true. I've seen the holovids. Your parents were in love. Desperately in love," Rey says, trying to keep the longing out of her voice. She would never admit quite how long she'd spent watching old holovids of Leia and Han when they were younger. Their marriage had been beautiful, their happiness radiant and they'd obviously been beyond thrilled when Ben had been born.

Kylo's smile is definitely bordering on smirk territory now, looking eager to tell her more. He looks mean now, his eyes narrowing. "My mother may have loved my father but she didn't care for him. He was never somebody that could walk side by side to her. Don't you get it? She was raised to be a princess and he was nothing. A smuggler, a thief, a gambler. Married to her? I'm sure she'd as soon been married to Luke, if he wasn't her brother, of course. Judging by rumors, that didn't stop them before."

Rey can't help the flash of white-hot fury that fills her. How dare Kylo talk so callously about these people who love him so dearly? How dare he disrespect his father's memory with these words? She doesn't realize that she's pushing him until she lifts up a hand. The strength of her shove surprises even her. She's trained with Luke using telekinesis a few times but with no concentration on her part?

Kylo doesn't get the chance to keep his balance and she can see the surprise on his face when he falls heavily onto his back. He doesn't look angry, though. On the contrary, he almost looks pleased. Rey's jaw is clenched as she steps forward, thinking about kicking him as she stands over his waist to look down at him, her fingers glancing across her lightsaber.

"Are you going to kill me now, Rey?" Kylo asks, breathless from the force of landing on his back. Rey frowns above him, pieces connecting in her mind but not fast enough as she realizes that he's reaching down for his lightsaber. She tenses, moving to pull her own lightsaber from the hilt but then he simply lets his fall to the ground. He can still reach it easily if he needs to but it's no longer at his side.

"I've already told you that I'm going to try to bring you back to your mother. She deserves that."

Something akin to pain flashes over Kylo's face but it's gone as quickly as it came, replaced by rapid anger. "She doesn't deserve anything! She's nothing, Rey. She says one thing and does another. She lied to my father, you know that don't you? That's why their marriage ended because she told Uncle Luke about Master Snoke trying to get into my head and not my father!"

There is no answer for that for Rey. She knows what Leia had done, knows what a mistake that it was. She knows the woman's reasoning behind it but they all know what a mistake it had been to send Ben off. She also realizes that she's not as close to the situation as Kylo is. She doesn't know the full truth. No matter what it is, Leia obviously regrets it, though Rey isn't sure that Kylo knows that. She opens her mouth to tell him and then hesitates. There's a bigger picture here, one that she needs to figure out.

She has only moments to decide but she tries to take Master Luke's advice. She needs to think, to feel, to sense. Kylo lays underneath her, suspicion evident on his features, the curve of his brow and then he lifts up his hand. "Don't bother trying to read me, girl."

"I don't think that I need to. I think that I already know. You want me to kill you, don't you? You can't bear the thought of seeing your mother again or your uncle."

Kylo's eyes grow a shade darker, his lips tightening and Rey knows that she's right. Of course she's right. It's why Kylo is trying so hard to rile her up, it's why he took off his mask and put aside his lightsaber. Why is it that everything he does only serves to invoke pity in her? "I told you not to try to read me."

"And I told you I don't have to. You're a coward, Ben Solo. You can't face your crimes? You can't face the woman who birthed you? Who loved you? Who lost not only a son but a husband because of you?" With every word, Rey grows angrier at the man in front of her. How dare he turn his back on a family when all she's ever desired is to belong to one?

Kylo's fist clenches where it's resting on the ground, anger filling him. Again, Rey wants to fight, wishes that she could fight him. She feels sorrow and anger and so many conflicting emotions with him. "Don't," Kylo forces out between clamped teeth. "Don't attempt that. You have no idea what you're talking about. I can't go back. I made my choice, girl. I can't go back."

Letting out a frustrated breath, Rey shakes her head. She is prepared to tell him that all they want is for him to be back. Of course, there will be people, many, many people who don't approve. But the people that he's most worried about disappointing are going to be disappointed if he doesn't come back. Before she can, Kylo's eyes slide shut.

"Rey! Are you alright? Good work," Luke praises her, looking down at the now prone body of Kylo Ren. Rey realizes that Luke must have been the one who knocked him out cold. She can only watch as Luke reaches down to grab Kylo's lightsaber, pocketing it and then looking at her again. "Rey? Are you okay?"

Rey shakes herself, trying to mentally evaluate herself. Is she okay? Physically of course. Emotionally? "As well as I can be, Master Luke."

There's no more honest of an answer.

 _three._

It's been only weeks since Rey last saw Kylo Ren, now exclusively called Ben Solo after much consideration. Rey still has a hard time calling him that, though, even in her mind. He looks different than before. Better in some ways and worse than others. His exile and confinement are, for the most part, his doing now. Kylo, Ben she reminds herself, has repented for his crimes, has apologized and admitted wrong-doing but has made no promises that he won't in the future, even though he had told Rey he wouldn't.

Rey wonders if it's just to keep himself locked away and inaccessible. He's clothed in simple garb, colors much lighter than he had worn as Kylo Ren. His force cage is large enough for a small cot that he sits on now. It appears that he's meditating although his eyes crack open when he hears Rey's footsteps approaching.

The cheeks that had previously been hollowed out have been filled in again, health appearing on his body once more. He doesn't look happy by any means but he looks well-taken care of and Rey knows that his mother has visited him many times. Many times Rey has overheard Leia and Luke discussing the man, wishing that he would show them something that would result in his rehabilitation into normal life.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Ben asks, sitting up a bit straighter. He looks little like the man who had battled her, especially bathed in the blue light from the energy of the cage.

Rey doesn't respond until she's just next to the force cage, close enough that she could reach into it if she fancied getting an electrocution burn. "You spoke about not disappointing your mother and uncle and yet here you sit, doing nothing but martyring yourself."

Opposite her expectations, Ben actually smiles at her, seemingly unoffended by her harsh words. "I'm sure that my mother and uncle are pleased not to have to interact with the man who contributed to destruction and death the way that I did."

"You'd be wrong," Rey responds, reaching into her tunic pocket to pull a lightsaber out. She holds it up close to the energy field, noting the way that Ben's eyes widen. "You recognize it then?"

"What are you doing with my old lightsaber?" Ben asks, curiosity more evident in his voice than anything. He leans forward, intrigued by the situation.

Rey pockets the lightsaber again, her focus completely on the man in front of her. "Master Luke has given me permission to ask you to spar with me. You've learned a lot in your time away from the Jedi Order and I'd like to learn what you did. For now, we'll be using training lightsabers until I can be sure that you won't maim me. If you're a good boy," Rey can't help the mocking tinge in her tone. "then you'll advance up to your regular lightsaber to battle me."

"Training lightsabers can be used as regular lightsabers when they're fiddled with, you know," Ben says, almost conversationally as he leans back again, his back straight.

"I'll cut off your hands before you're able to attempt it. Now do you want to spar or not?"

The grin on Ben's lips looks much more genuine than any she's seen on him as he stands. "Anything to get me out of this cage."

Those words can't be that true considering that any number of things could get him out but Rey will take it for now. She is curious to learn his techniques.

A few hours later, she regrets it like no other. Although Rey herself is gifted, Ben is as well. His style is less of the Jedi and Sith ways and more rough and tumble hit and hit until they bleed. The training lightsabers enable the two to hit each other without severely hurting the other but they're still not harmless. Rey has a burn on her arm and a few bruises on her stomach that she's sure won't be going away anytime soon.

Ben sits next to her on a large rock as she takes a drink of water, watching as he does the same. They're both dripping with sweat, having discarded most of their layers during their long hours of practice. She pushes little strands of sweaty hair off her face, clearing her throat when she realizes that she had the desire to push the hair off Ben's forehead as well. That was not a good thought.

Sparring with him was interesting in exactly the way that she thought it would be. While she has a natural ability, she's been trained and honed by Luke to duel with the form of a Jedi. Ben's spent years trying to shake those habits and has mostly succeeded. While they've spent half their time crossing blades, the other half was spent talking about their techniques and exchanging information.

It had surprised Rey how easily that Ben had spoken to her, about his time with the First Order and his training. Only the darkening of his gaze really betrayed when he felt emotional about something. But they hadn't delved too deep, instead choosing to simply focus on the way that they both fought with lightsabers. With the information, Rey had started wondering about his life otherwise. She hadn't asked, though, afraid to disrupt their tenuous companionship.

"I remember my father wielding a lightsaber once," Ben says next to her, surprising her as she turns to face him. He's holding the training lightsaber, looking at the hilt almost curiously, the blade off.

"But he wasn't…?"

Ben shakes his head, glancing up at her, almost looking surprised at the fact that they had both spoken out loud. He let out a breath, putting the practice lightsaber down and looking out at the distance instead of at her. "No, he wasn't remotely Force-sensitive. It wasn't his lightsaber. It was… When I was young, people really wanted to get their hands on me. The First Order, ransom-seekers… Kidnapping attempts started before I was even born.

"I was 9 when this happened. There had been an attempt on our lives, not by the Dark Side or anything this time. Just somebody who disagreed with my mom's politics. They had managed to catch us unawares… my birthday of all things. Uncle Luke was knocked out, my mother dangerously injured. She was holding me back… trying to hang onto me. The only weapon around was Luke's lightsaber. Dad didn't even have his blaster on him, wanting to try to enjoy my birthday…"

Ben lets out a breath, his face growing darker and his words angrier. He scoffs and before she realizes what she's doing, she reaches out, resting a hand on his forearm. It's with some surprise that he looks over at her, seeming to realize that he's growing too angry and he takes another calming breath. "My dad didn't even hesitate when he picked it up. It was ridiculous. A normal human would just as soon chop off their arm as they would hit anything but… he immediately started swinging."

"And he protected you?" Rey asks quietly, realizing that her hand is still on Ben's bare skin but she doesn't move it even if his skin is damp with sweat.

Ben snorts out a laugh, looking up at her with what could be real amusement in his eyes, swirling with sadness that Rey recognizes. The similarities between him and his mother astound her sometimes. "Not even close. He was knocked out by the guy within a few minutes. It was only because my mom summoned every little bit of force power that she had and knocked them out. See? Why would she respect him when he wasn't worth her time?"

Rey's hand jerks away from Ben at those words and she remembers what Master Luke had said when she had tentatively brought up what Ben had said about his parents. Master Luke had been obviously saddened by the words but had told Rey that Ben was coming from a place of hatred and raw emotion. She wasn't to take it seriously. And she tries not to take this seriously. She tries so hard.

"How could you tell me that story and then say that your mother doesn't respect him? How could she not respect him when he tried so hard for you both that he would pick up a weapon that could kill him to protect you? How could you continue to talk about him this way?" Rey asks, struggling to keep calm. She's not supposed to get angry like this. Master Luke has told her about the repercussions of anger. But Ben always seems to press all of her buttons.

Obviously surprised by her vehemence, Ben reaches out to touch her in some way but she jerks back. She couldn't stand his touch right now. "Rey-"

"No! You don't get to have the monopoly on the tragic backstory, Ben Solo! You're not the only one who gets to be upset by things. Your parents love you, would give everything for you. Your father walked out on that bridge for you, sacrificed his life for you! He knew that there was every chance that you would kill him and you _did_ but he did it because he loved you!"

Rey knows her words are harsh, can see the sadness blot out the joy in Ben's eyes. Ben's face looks drawn now, his lips set in a line but he doesn't interrupt her. Rey wouldn't stop even if he tried. "My parents left me. They left me on Jakku and they never came back even though they promised. I waited on that planet. I waited and I waited and all along you were turning your back on a family who loved you," Rey says, most of the anger leaving her now, paving the way for the sadness she feels. Ben always has had a way of making her so upset.

"You're not the only one who's had a hard life, Ben. You just aren't dealing with it."

Rey stands up, preparing for her exit because she can't take looking at Ben's sorrow-filled features another moment but she realizes that she has to make sure he gets back in his power cage.

"Rey-"

"Don't. I don't want to hear it. Come on. I'll take you back downstairs," Rey interrupts. She doesn't know whether he'll try to apologize or whether he'll just berate her for speaking about what she doesn't understand. Either way, she can do without.

When he's locked back in his force cage, Ben doesn't look at her. "I'm sorry." Rey isn't sure if she actually hears it or not. At this point, she can't bring herself to care as she walks towards the stairs.

 _four._

The next day, Rey tells Master Luke about the sparring but that she wishes to continue. She had learned from him and even if he had frustrated her, she still wants to learn more. And she still feels sorrow for him more than anything. Luke gives her a little smile, telling her that while he would certainly approve of the two of them continuing their matches Ben has been removed from his force cage. As much as she asks, Luke won't tell her where he is and eventually tells her to meditate and stop asking.

It takes four months until Rey sees Ben again and she's surprised by how much she… wishes that he was around. She had grown attached overnight to the idea of him being around often, to spar with, physically and verbally. She had liked talking to him and had liked learning about him. Of course, he frustrated her and upset her and made her so angry she had considered killing him a few times but… there was something there.

Over the time, Rey doesn't forget Ben but she doesn't think about him after the first few weeks. She trains with Luke, learns about the Force and the Light and the Dark. She's an insatiable learner, wanting to know everything that he can teach her, whether that's ways of the Jedi or the history of the Republic. After living for so long without a family, without people to talk to, without history like this, Rey is fascinated.

She's grown so accustomed to the routine that she shares with Luke that when she walks into the temple only to see Ben standing with Luke, talking so casually that her immediate instinct is to reach for the lightsaber at her side. It's not there. It's not really needed considering how isolated that Luke and Rey are at the moment. Luke has told her that he hopes to rebuild the Jedi Order but they're just not there yet. Rey thinks that it partly has to do with the fact that most of Luke's attentions are with Leia and the Republic more than the Jedi most of the time.

Of course, the two men both hear her sharp indrawn breath and turn to look at her. Rey can't help but gaze at Ben for a long few moments, struck by the difference that just a few months could make. He looks happier than he had before. He's not quite as muscular as he had been but he's still fit, in a different way, more slender than before. He's dressed simply still, but with a shade darker than he'd worn in his force cage. A greyish outfit that brings out the-

"Are your roots brown?" Rey's embarrassed that they're the first words out of her mouth and she doesn't know why it didn't occur to her (especially after seeing holovids of Ben as a baby) but it's a shock. It's the biggest sign that he's no longer the Dark Lord Kylo Ren and now simply Ben again.

Luke lets out a surprised bark of a laugh as Ben's lips twitch. A flush slides up her cheeks at the look on Ben's face, something almost fond there. "What can I say? Black fit the image of Kylo Ren better than the light brown that my parents passed on to me," Ben responds in an easy tone, turning his body to face her now. "Good to see you too."

"I didn't say that it's good to see you. What are you doing here anyway?" Rey asks, thinking of how angry that she'd been their last encounter.

Luke looks between the two, exchanging a long look with Ben that makes Rey almost feel left out before he nods to Rey. "We will continue our work later. For now, you did say that you wanted to learn more from Ben."

That seems a bit unfair, considering. Rey had wanted to train physically with him, even if she'd felt like she'd wanted to know more about him. Now, Luke doesn't wait for a response more than a muttered, "Yes Master," before he leaves them alone in the room.

"You don't need to stay if you don't wish. I know how you feel about talking to me," Ben says, amusement in his tone as he goes to sit down next to the wall of windows, facing away from her.

Rey does consider leaving. She knows that it would send the right message. She won't deal with his petulant attitude and she doesn't 100% trust him. The problem with that, of course, is that she does want to talk to him. And she wants to learn where he's been for months. So she goes to sit next to him.

"You've always had so many mixed emotions to me. From the first moment you heard my lightsaber in the forest. When I removed my mask, when I felt in your mind. Every moment we spent in battle and the time we spent talking when we should've been fighting," Ben says when it's obvious that Rey isn't going to talk first. She doesn't look over at him but she knows that he's looking at her. "Do you remember what I told you when I first entered your mind?"

Of course Rey remembers. She hasn't been able to forget how it felt, restraints tight around her wrists. Ben had been Kylo Ren then and though she hadn't wanted to admit it, she'd been surprised by his looks. His hair was dark and his face was shadowed but there was pain there that she recognized from her days on Jakku.

When he'd reached into her mind, he'd pulled and pulled. She'd tried to resist, had needed to keep the information from him and she'd succeeded. But he'd seen other things that had popped into her mind to keep him from the map. He'd felt emotions that she normally kept hidden and, when she'd pushed back, she'd felt his own emotions.

Suddenly it wasn't only her loneliness that she was filled with but his as well. It wasn't only her sadness, her fear of failure, her fear of what he was going to do, but all of his as well. She had felt all of his fears, all of his emotions so closely mirroring hers. The knowledge that she wasn't alone in her feelings had terrified her but she could still hear his voice as if he was saying it to her now.

 _"Don't be afraid. I feel it too."_

The feeling of having somebody was still so new and then she hadn't realized that somebody like Finn or Han were going to come back to her. She still believed that she was alone but with him there, with his emotions she wasn't. Of course, it had still been pure rage that had filled her, anger at him for invading but there had been a raw sense of relief. He felt it too. It wasn't just her who was lonely and wished and feared and loved and hated. He did too.

"I still feel mixed emotions towards you," Rey responds quietly because it's true.

Ben lets out a sound between a scoff and a laugh and she can feel as he turns back to face the window, away from her again. "There's less anger there now. But you feel less anger in all, it seems. You're calmer now, that's probably partly due to the training. You feel more sadness for me now than anything. You don't need to. Everything I've done has been my choice. I deserve no pity."

Even the tone of voice, the words, make Rey feel for him. It's not pity. No, Rey doesn't pity him because they were his choices but her heart aches for the fact that he believed he had to make the choices that way. She can't argue his words, though. "Where have you been the past few months? Master Luke wouldn't tell me where you went."

"He didn't know exactly is why. I spent a week with my mother and then me and Chewbacca went across the galaxy in the Millennium Falcon. He showed me a lot of places that I've never been." Ben's voice grows quieter now, softer and Rey chances a glance at him but he's staring resolutely ahead. "He took me to Corellia, where my father was born. We went to where Alderaan was destroyed since that's where my mother lived. We even went as far as Tatooine. He had other places to take me, places that my grandparents had come from but I wanted to come home. Or more specifically, back here."

Rey looks over at him again now, surprised by that. She had expected many things. That he had been exiled for a while, had had things to figure out. But going to places like his father's birthplace? That was something that she hadn't expected from him and Ben turns to her, his lips tilting up into a genuine smile.

"I know that you imagine that you know me but there's many parts of me that you don't. I'm sure that I haven't given you the best impression but I wasn't always Kylo Ren. You're right. I did grow up the spoiled son of two parents who loved me more than life itself," Ben says, his voice cracking in the middle of the last sentence and he closes his eyes, regains his composure. "You're the one who helped me realize that while I may face many repercussions for what I did, trying to keep myself in that miserable prison was only taking away the second chance I've been given."

Something erupts in Rey's chest, something that she can't quite put a finger on. She doesn't feel like she's done much for him besides given him a scar that paints prominently across his face and lose her temper at him many times. But perhaps she really has pushed him to do more. Perhaps she's pushed him in a way that he might not have been pushed otherwise. It's an interesting thought.

This time, when he tells her about his parents, she listens better than she ever has before. The seat that she's on isn't the most comfortable and the sun gets too hot after a while but he tells her about his childhood. Gone are the resentful words of Kylo Ren when he had told her about the disappointment that Ben had been and here are the softer words, admittances of weakness and feelings of disappointment for not being what he couldn't.

Rey doesn't speak much, realizing that Ben perhaps needs to get this out more than he even needs to tell her. Luke doesn't interrupt them which Rey is thankful for. Of course, her training is important but these few hours with Ben seem more important than even that. He tells her about his father, about how he had always looked up to him, talking about practically growing up in the Millennium Falcon. He tells her about his mother, about how she is still the strongest woman he's ever met and sheepishly admitting that his parent's love is one he'd always secretly dreamed of having.

Ben tells her about Luke more, about how Luke had always been something of an enigma to him. How Luke obviously loved him and cared deeply for him but how Ben had never been quite sure that he belonged to the family. Ben tells her about his own training and then about how Snoke had whispered in his ear when he was younger. Truly hearing what had made him the way that he was, hearing about how he had felt, hearing his words of loneliness, the emotion from him that she had felt deep in her heart, somehow pierced her.

And it makes her talk about her own loneliness. When the sun is starting to lower, when the heat is nearly gone, he quiets and she speaks. She tells him about being on Jakku, about how she had grown up without any real friends or family. She talks about how difficult it had been to even eat, to find shelter. Even as a young girl, she had had to fight for everything. She admits that she'd wanted so badly to believe that her family would come back to her, simply so she'd have somewhere she belongs.

When she's done, when she's spoken more about her childhood than she ever has before, she realizes that they're closer than before. She can feel the body heat from where his leg is nearly pressed against hers, from where their shoulders keep brushing together. Honestly, Rey would probably sit there for a while longer if her stomach didn't growl, ruining the moment and making them both laugh.

"You know, I could almost be led to believe that you like me," Ben says with a smirk in her direction as he slowly stands, stretching out his body.

Rey rolls her eyes, feeling as her back pops from sitting for so long with only a few movements. She can't be anything but pleased over their conversation because for those few hours she learned a lot about Ben and even managed to forget that he was Kylo Ren previously at all. "You'd better think that through further."

The man next to her laughs and she compares it to previous laughs from him. It's unbridled, genuine, and happy. That feeling in her chest is back and is it… it couldn't be compared to butterflies?

"You've never been afraid to share just what's on your mind," Ben says and, as she looks at him, she realizes that she's never seen him smile as much as he's smiled today.

"I've never thought that I should," Rey responds with a shrug, looking at him as they both face each other.

They're even closer than before now, so close that she has to tilt her chin up to be able to look into his eyes. They're unguarded, open and it is affection that she sees in there. Plus something else that she doesn't recognize. She should say something, about how honored she was to hear about his family, to be trusted with the information that he's given her. She should say that she's thankful that he treated her openness with the utmost respect.

But she stays silent, her breathing quickening as his eyes flicker down. Just when she thinks he's going to kiss her, just when she's wondering if she wants him to, he pulls back sharply.

"We should get you food before your stomach makes itself known again."

Rey can't help but groan even while she laughs. She's thankful that she doesn't have to make the choice about the kiss right now, instead choosing to follow him towards the door.

 _five._

Rey wakes with a jerk, fear filling her at the sound of the yells coming from just down the hall. She doesn't hesitate, rubbing her eyes with one hand and grabbing her lightsaber with the other before running. Perhaps somebody who shouldn't have found them. The First Order has fallen but she knows that Ben was right and that there will be more threats to come.

Light is just making it's way through the windows in the hall and she knows that Master Luke is out for his morning walk, clearing his head as he'd told her when she'd first started training with him. She's not sure she believed him but she didn't press. So it must be Ben who's yelling.

Was somebody from the First Order coming back for him? Were they going to try to hurt him? Rey holds the lightsaber tightly as she approaches, hearing a jumbled mix of words now that she's closer to him.

"No! Please! I can't! Can't hurt him! Can't hurt her! Don't!"

The words push her forward, her brow furrowing. What is he yelling about? She bursts into his room loudly, thinking after she's in there that perhaps she should've been quieter, in case she needed the element of surprise. She realizes quickly that Ben is the only one in the room and that she doesn't need to defend herself from him considering he's still asleep.

The man is jerking on the bed, covers wrapped around his legs as he struggles against some force that's inside his mind. He's having nightmares, Rey realizes, nightmares about being forced to hurt people. And there's that sadness for him, Rey thinks with a wry smile as she steps forward, careful to avoid his flailing fists.

"Ben," Rey says loudly, her voice careful and in control, without being too much like anybody who might be commanding him to cause pain. Rey warily gets closer, close enough so that she can press her hand to his shoulder and shake harshly in an attempt to wake him. His skin is warm underneath her touch and she's acutely aware of the fact that he's wearing very little clothes.

He's only wearing just enough to cover himself and Rey tries so hard to not glance down. She can't help it as she shakes him again, watching the way that his chest moves sharply in time with his breathing. This time when she shakes him, she hears him yell and she withdraws her hand when she realizes it's her name. Has she woken him?

"Rey! Don't hurt her. Can't hurt her."

Curiosity fills her and she swallows because he's not awake yet. He's simply dreaming about her. Her own heart picks up as she watches him, knowing that she has to try to wake him up but listening to him like this… hearing that he's dreaming about her as shaken her. He's still moving, as if defending himself.

"Choose. I choose her."

With that, Rey stumbles forward, smacking his shoulder hard, not realizing the consequences. His eyes snap open and he reaches out, grabbing her wrist in a grip that makes her yelp, pulling her against his body and underneath him before she can think about defending herself. His legs straddle her hips as he breathes and she instinctively reaches her hands up to his face, cupping his cheeks.

"I'm sorry. It's just me. I didn't think. It's just me. You're safe," Rey says soothingly, not even sure where the words come from, or the tone of voice. She doesn't think that anybody has ever spoken to her this way before. But she knows that he needs something before he does something stupid like grab his lightsaber.

Slowly, much too slowly for her peace of mind, his eyes get clearer as he gazes down at her. His grip is still hard enough that she's sure it's going to bruise, holding her hands above her head, but he seems to be realizing where he is. And then abruptly he lets go, sitting back and shaking his head. "You woke me up?" he asks, still sounding confused but aware that she's not a threat.

"Yes. I'm sorry. You were having a nightmare and so I woke you. You're safe now." Now that she's aware that she's not in any imminent danger, she's becoming much more aware of the fact that she hadn't bothered getting dressed beforehand. His legs are bare, pressing against hers, trapping her in his grip. His body heat is emanating off of him and Rey tries to imagine that's the only reason she feels so warm.

Ben's lips curl up into a sarcastic smile, the kind that belonged more on Kylo Ren's face than Ben's. He climbs off of her with careful deliberation and sits next to her on the bed, looking at the still ajar door. "It wasn't my safety I was worried about in my dream."

"I know. It seemed that it was mine," Rey says, tired of shying away from whatever this is that they share. There's something that that has been there for so long so why can't they just acknowledge that. At her side, Ben stiffens, which makes her think that she's right. She hadn't even imagined she'd be wrong. Whatever is between them is too strong for him not to feel it too.

He still doesn't look at her as he nods. "I dreamed about that last night, the night that I told you to kill me. I-" Ben chews on his lower lip for a moment, not reacting when she sits up further so that she can touch his forearm. "Snoke wanted me next to him that night. Not for protection but because I was his second-in-command. Once you're in then you're in and being a traitor to the cause isn't an option. He told me that you were there and that you'd be coming for us. He told me that the only option was to kill you, to damage the Resistance and my family. To hope to take over his legacy."

The heat from before has nearly all left Rey, making her feel cold as she realizes what those words that Ben had said in his sleep meant. He'd chosen to betray the First Order for her.

Ben glances over at her, reaching his hand up to take Rey's where it's on his arm and she expects him to simply move it. Instead, he wraps his fingers around hers, holding onto her hand tight. "It wasn't just you. I had already had doubts, of course. For a long time. Snoke could see that the Light threatened me with every breath that I took. He told me to kill my father in the hopes that it would end my attachment to the light but it did the opposite. For the Dark side to require me to kill the man who yes, was a rather absentee father but who only ever loved me?

"It wasn't really just about you, although you played a big part in it. I couldn't stand the thought of any more killing, least of all you. I had never had a taste for it and he knew it. I would rather be dead than have to contribute to it anymore. I knew that either I died or I had to face my mother again and I wanted to die."

"Do you ever regret that I didn't kill you?" Rey asks, her hand small in his larger one. Even both of them sitting, he's taller than her but she's not scared of him. She had been once, before she'd gotten to know the boy that he had been. She'd been scared before she saw that he was just as scared. That was when the fear had gone away.

The hesitation lets Rey know Ben's answer before he even says it and her heart clenches, her hold on his hand tightening. "Yes. The times when I have to face how disappointed that my mother is in me. The times that I have to hear what people think of me now and what they think of my family. I hate knowing that I made them look down on my parents; they never deserved that. When I have the nightmares. When I wonder whether this is really me or just who I'm trying to be again. I wonder whether I'm putting on just as much of an act as I had been when I was Kylo Ren."

Rey shakes her head and she doesn't think about the intimacy of the action as she reaches up, her hand cupping his cheek again. She's closer to him this time, sliding up onto her knees so that she can look at him easier, putting her maybe an inch or two taller than him. He seems surprised by her movement but he tries for a reassuring smile in her direction anyway. "Nobody wants an act, Ben. We don't want you to be cheerful all the time or wear brighter colors just to seem happier. We want you. I…" Rey hesitates, her heart expanding and her throat constricting and this is probably one of the scariest things she's ever done including many battles in the war. "I want you."

Ben stares at her, his eyes widening as he takes in her meaning and she's never wanted to sink into the ground more than she does now. But she takes the situation as it is, her back straight and her eyes meeting his. Rey's never back down from a challenge, even if this is the worst one she's ever faced.

Just when she's thinking that she might have to repeat the words because of his lack of response, he leans in and then his lips are pressed to hers. It's not like before when she'd wondered about the kiss. This time she's sure it's what she wants, and it seems to be what he wants as well. His lips are soft against hers, his hands gentle as they wrap around her waist, holding her steady. Her arms come up around his neck, partly for balance and partly to get closer to him, wanting to feel him against every inch of her.

She's been kissed and has kissed before but never like this. There was never much on Jakku for her and during the war she had been much too busy for romance. Now, she truly gets to feel what it's like to be close to somebody who she wants, not just as an experiment or "Give me a kiss, girl, and I'll give you some food to put on your bones."

Rey makes a little whine when Ben pulls back, scowling when he laughs quietly. "I thought that we could get a little more comfortable but if you insist on making out while you're on your knees then I'm not going to argue," Ben says, so close that she can still feel his breath against her lips.

"You should've just said so," Rey says, her arm still around his neck as she tugs him down on top of her.

He comes along willingly and she kisses him again, sure that she doesn't want this kiss to ever end either.

 _plus one._

There's a breeze in the air as Rey sits in the grass, reclining back on her hands, but it feels nice. She's had her share of chasing Jonash around while he giggled and screamed and now it's his father's turn which is a relief. Leia is scheduled to arrive in a few hours, a little before Luke, for the celebration that they're throwing for the young boy. It'll be small but Jonash isn't old enough to know the difference yet.

At her side, Sola reaches out for the grass, trying to pull some into her mouth, as she's been trying to do all morning. At this point, Rey is nearly tempted to simply let her. After all, nobody had been around to keep her from doing things like that when she'd been young but she'd been fine. Ben, who had always had somebody around to stop him from eating grass, never seems to agree and had been shocked when she'd said she'd tasted half of the kinds of oil and parts that had made their way through her hands on Jakku. She'd been a curious child.

Rey pulls her away from it, sitting Sola down on her lap and facing where Ben has caught Jonash, lifting him up high in the air and grinning. Although they're a few feet away, Rey can hear her son's excited yells. "Higher, Daddy!" Jonash always yells, safe in his father's arms, knowing that Ben won't drop him.

Below her, Sola begins babbling, obviously wanting to join the fun and Rey laughs, adjusting them so that she can recline on her side, concentrating on lifting up one of Sola's rattling toys for the little girl's attention. It doesn't hold Sola for long, though, and Rey shakes her head.

"I know who your favorite parent is," she teases the little girl, tickling her on her side and smiling at her daughter's expression. Children had never been in Rey's future before. She'd been alone in the world, never having anybody who cared about her. Now she has Ben, who loves her and whom she loves more than anything. She has Ben's family, Leia and Luke who she considers her own. She has Finn and Poe, who are a packaged deal now, and so many others who she's met along the way.

Sola tilts her head up at Rey as she sees that she's lost her attention and Rey leans in to give her a quick kiss on the forehead. "It's okay. Ben's my favorite too. He's pretty amazing, hmm?" Rey murmurs, letting Sola scooch on her stomach along the blanket again. Ben hadn't been sure of kids himself the first time that Leia had asked if they were considering, a few months after their wedding. They'd insisted on a fresh start with their marriage, both of them taking the last name of Organa and knowing that they'd have to work and fight for their marriage.

Ben still has people who don't believe in him, who believe that Luke is crazy to even consider leaving the Jedi Order in Ben and Rey's hands eventually. But Rey knows that there is nobody more capable than the two of them, especially him. Ben has walked both of the lines, knows the Force better than anybody alive. He knows what it's like to be overcome by darkness and he knows what it's like to be filled with goodness.

Rey had soothed Ben's fears over their children following his ways. Nobody knows the power of the Light side of the Force better than Ben, in Rey's opinions. She knows that if their children are tempted, Ben will know what to do. As for the thought of him turning back to the Dark? The thought doesn't even cross her mind. She knows him and she trusts him, not only with her but with her children.

A babble from Sola brings her back to the present, to where Ben is now pretending to fight Jonash with sticks, making a low buzzing noise like lightsabers that makes Rey grin. "I would never have imagined that your father would be so silly when I first met him," Rey says softly, running her fingers through her daughter's brown hair, remarkably similar to Ben's and her own.

"It wasn't love at first sight. Your daddy had a hard time of it," she continues, glancing at Sola who seems to be listening to every word. The story is one that they've agreed they'll tell their children but not before they're ready. The children are so innocent and Ben is so terrified of tainting their image of him. "He was scared, just like I was, but he had somebody who wanted to take advantage of that fear."

Ben pretends to fall dramatically to the ground as Jonash hits him in the ankle with his sword and the little boy hops triumphantly in the air. "But by accident I saw that he didn't really believe the things that he did in fear. I saw that he was just as scared as I was and I saw something deeper there. I didn't love him then. I didn't love him for a long time. I think that just made our love more special though." Rey knows that Sola doesn't understand at all but it's something she needs her children to know. Rey and Ben love each other and they love them and their children will have the parents that they deserve.

She lets out a laugh as she watches Jonash approach Ben cautiously and Ben darts up, pulling Jonash over his chest to tickle him. Jonash squeals with laughter, squirming against his father and Rey reaches up to wipe a tear from her eyes. "For a long time, the only family that your father had was a man who only wanted to use him. And now he has me and you and Jonash and I know that he's never been happier."

Still laughing along with his son, Ben scoops him up and carries him over to where Rey and Sola are sitting, plopping down with the little boy in his lap. It's a testament to how tired that their son is that he simply reclines against Ben's chest, taking the piece of bread that Rey holds out for him.

"How long until my mom arrives?" Ben asks, leaning in to press a short kiss to the corner of Rey's lips. She smiles, turning her head and catching Ben's lips against her own, not content with the not-quite kiss. Ben had confessed to her, late at night, about how scared he was to have a marriage like his parent's. He'd told her how he knew that they loved each other with a passion but it had never been enough. And Rey knows she'll work every day of her life to ensure that Ben doesn't have to feel that way about them.

Rey grabs Sola as she again tries to get a fistful of grass, pulling her up and against her chest. "A little while. Probably enough time to get the kids washed up and maybe enough time for a nap?" she asks, looking over at Jonash.

"No nap!" Jonash responds loudly, the little bit of bread still clenched in his tiny fist.

"Maybe not quite that long," Rey says and Ben laughs, pulling Jonash up so that he can kiss the boy's cheek, pink from exertion.

"That's alright. There's never enough time to spend with the three of you. I'm sure we'll figure out something to do," Ben responds easily, meeting Sola's hand as she reaches out and letting her fingers entwine around one of his own.

Rey nods because she has to agree. She would've never believed this was the way that her life would turn out, not when she was a little girl on Jakku, or a teenager running from a man in a mask with a lightsaber on Takodana. But she wouldn't change it for anything.


End file.
